Humor on the Internet

I received the following items over the internet. They are arranged with the most recent at the top. Note, if you aren't 18, you shouldn't be here. Go back like a good boy.
 
If you are interested in humor on the Internet, don't forget The Onion!

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The Ultimate Contest The Engineer The Speeding Ticket Dear Tech Support Best Chicken Joke Ever Yet Another Stranded-on-an-Island Joke The English Channel Three BLONDE MEN... A Prayer for the Stressed A PFC's View on Insurance National One-upmanship Amish and the Elevator Another Lawyer Joke Central Park Special Delivery Three Men and a Funeral Seeing Stars International Island MasterCard Commercial The Pearly Gates The Parrots The Golf Game The Wedding Year 2000 Old Navy Joke The Government Worker's Dog

The Ultimate Contest

Posted March 26--From Frank DeLucia

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were finished with Him.

The scientist went to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and go somewhere else."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man, and after the scientist had had his say, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest."

The scientist agreed without hesitation and God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You have to get your own dirt!"

The Engineer

Posted January 26--From Frank DeLucia

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The Speeding Ticket

Posted January 26--From Mike McCumber

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

Dear Tech Support

Posted November 30--From Ed Story

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to WIFE 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure so I haven't been able to determine if this is a bug or a feature.

In addition, WIFE 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as POKER NIGHT 10.3, DRUNKEN BOYS NIGHT 2.5, and SATURDAY FOOTBALL 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep WIFE 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back go GIRLFRIEND 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to WIFE 1.0 with the idea that WIFE 1.0 is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.

WIFE 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge WIFE 1.0 and still convert back to GIRLFRIEND 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to emulate WIFE 1.0, so nothing is gained by the conversion. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to GIRLFRIEND 7.0 because WIFE 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install GIRLFRIEND 8.0 or WIFE 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep WIFE 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing the background inter-process API C:\PROGRAM FILES\YESDEAR to alleviate system conflicts.

Having installed WIFE 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section of the manual regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). As the license holder, you assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action when GPF's occur will be to open a DOS box and run the program, "C:\APOLOGIZE". Exercise extreme caution to avoid excessive use of C:\PROGRAM FILES\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to run "C:\APOLOGIZE" before the system will return to normal. In extreme cases a cold boot may be necessary, but this carries the risk of loss of data and permanent loss of system resources.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPF's. WIFE 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance and resource intensive. Most users require additional memory and training to get acceptable results. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of WIFE 1.0. I recommend FLOWERS 2.1 and DIAMONDS 5.0. DINNER OUT 1.6 has it's supporters.

Do not under any circumstances install SHORT SKIRT SECRETARY 3.3. This is not a supported application for WIFE 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to both the operating system and hardware.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Best Chicken Joke Ever

Posted November 30--From Noelle Olson via Joe Clapper

BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Yet Another Stranded-on-an-Island Joke

Posted November 22--From Charlie Jefferson

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to him-self. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

The English Channel

Posted November 18--From Mike McCumber

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroke. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser but, I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Three BLONDE MEN......

Posted November 8--From Frank DeLucia

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

A Prayer for the Stressed

Posted November 7--From Robert Daseler

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I cannot accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I stomp on today,
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work:
12% on Monday;
23% on Tuesday;
40% on Wednesday;
20% on Thursday;
5% on Friday.

And help me to remember: when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

A PFC's View on Insurance (SGLI)

Posted November 7--From Charles Jefferson

Private Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for sign-up for the insurance, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

National One-upmanship

Posted November 7--From John McCumber

German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.

Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down and found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Amish and the Elevator

Posted October 23--From Mike McCumber

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Another Lawyer Joke

Posted October 21--From Frank DeLucia

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary, and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

"So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right."

Central Park

Posted October 21--From Roman

Two nuns are walking in Central Park when two men attack them and start raping them. The one nun starts praying, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do!"

The other Nun, says, "Well this guy over here knows what he is doing!"

Special Delivery

Posted October 20--From Frank Delucia

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place."

Three Men and a Funeral

Posted September 30--From Mike McCumber

Three men were discussing what they wanted said at their funerals.

The first man said, "I would like people to say that there lies a pious man,a man who lived by God's laws and was righteous in his life."

The second man said, "I would like people to say that there lies a generous man, a man who was charitable and gave of his wealth."

The third man said, "I would like people to say -- 'Look, he's moving'."

Seeing Stars

Posted September 30--From Ed Story

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

The International Island

Posted September 30--From Amy

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Sri Lankan men and 1 Sri Lankan woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers."

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

The Sri Lankan men have asked the woman about her caste, horoscope and the dowry situation. In the meantime the Sri Lankan woman is having an affair with one of the German men after he promised her a job in Germany.

MasterCard Commercial

Posted May 31--Posted by Charles Jefferson

Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon - $25 million dollars

Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Bomber - $45 million dollars.

Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million dollars.

Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion dollars.

A decent map of downtown Belgrade.-Priceless.

There are some things that money can't buy...

For the rest, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19- member NATO alliance.

The Pearly Gates

Posted March 26--Submitted by Frank DeLucia

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

The Parrots

Posted March 26--from the ULTRA Listserv

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

The Golf Game

Posted January 28--submitted by Ed Story.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

The Wedding

Posted: January 25--submitted by Mike McCumber.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

Year 2000

Posted: January 21, 1999

    January 1, 2000


Dear Valued Employee:
        
Re:  Vacation Pay


Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past
100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid
leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.


Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay
check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and
interest for the past 1,200 months.


Sincerely,


Automated Payroll Processing

An Old Navy Joke

Posted: January 21, 1999

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid
a collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North
to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

The Government Worker's Dog

Posted: December 5, 1998

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
  
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
  
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square do your stuff".
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
  
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
  
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of
3 cookies each.
  
Everyone agreed that was good.
  
The Chemist said that his dog could top that. He called his dog and
said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge,took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
  
Everyone agreed that was good.
  
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can
your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break  jumped to his feet, ate the
cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, fucked the other three
dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation
and went home on sick leave.
  
Everyone agreed that was awesome

© by Who Knows, 1999