Humor on the Internet

This is the third page of Internet jokes. The first and the second pages got pretty big. These jokes continue to come mostly from California. Everything comes from California. Virginia is just a resting point before we all go to California and live life the way it was meant to be lived.

Note, if you aren't 18, you shouldn't be here. Go back like a good boy. Also, if you are uptight about political correctness, go somewhere else.

If you are interested in humor on the Internet, don't forget The Onion!

First Humor Page | Second Humor Page

Back to the VHTRC News Page

Most recent jokes--added October 29--in Green

The Cadanian Baby

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

Just One Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish-- a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Nebraska Husker QUIZ

Q. What's the difference between the Huskers and the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Huskers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 77,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Huskers player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Nebraska in case of a tornado?
A. Osborne Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why was Frank Solich upset when the Husker playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Huskers and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 150 people sitting around a TV watching the RoseBowl
A. The Nebraska Cornhuskers

Q. What do the Huskers and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Huskers are going to run the football?
A. Jammal leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

The Chili Cook-off

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(me). Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway - took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting slammed from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound thing is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing later. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poo to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

The News in 2035 -- Posted March 11 (From Anonymous)

1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

6. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

7. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

8. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

10. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

11. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

15. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Memo from Osama -- Posted February 3 (From Mike McCumber)

Memo to: Cavemates
From: Osama
Regarding: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama

Flying Turtle -- Posted February 3

Deep in the forest a little turtle began to climb a tree as two nearby birds watched intently. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and once more fell to the ground.

At that point, one bird turned to the other and said, "Do you think it's time to tell him he's adopted?"

Her Side, His Side -- Posted February 3

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV?

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted.

So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore.

I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:

Played badly today...shot 90...can't putt worth a shit. Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.

First Humor Page | Second Humor Page

Back to the VHTRC News Page