This is the second page of Internet jokes. The first page got pretty big. No one has said much about these jokes. Gee, I hope I am grossing out someone!
The jokes are arranged with the most recent at the top. I have always attributed these even though the person who sent them to me obviously stole them from somewhere else. Two people are responsible for most of them. Frank DeLucia, of the Point Fermin Flyers in San Pedro, California has sent most. Assume he sent these unless otherwise noted. Several others are from Andy "Lord Chesterfield" Carlmark. (Remember, the slogan of Chesterfield, was "Longer, and they satisfy.") Get the pattern? The jokes come from California. Everything comes from California. Virginia is just a resting point before we all go to California and live life the way it was meant to be lived.
Note, if you aren't 18, you shouldn't be here. Go back like a good boy. Also, if you are uptight about political correctness, go somewhere else.
If you are interested in humor on the Internet, don't forget The Onion! And don't miss the Complete Military History of France
Most recent jokes--added November 16--in Green
Chain Letter | First Florida Election Joke | The WV Three Kick Rule | The Dead Goldfish | Thuds--another Lawyer Joke | Texas Survivor Show | Guilt | Words of Wisdom | Bad Analogies | It's Nice to be a Guy! | English Lesson | Another Genie Joke | Another Blonde Joke | Dr. DeBakey | Two Robbers | Rednecks | The Tooth Extraction | Things to Say at Work | Men and Dogs | An Irish Tale | Micro$oft Employees | Moral Dilemma | Too Much Love! | How to Read a Singles Ad | Jerry Springer Show Application
Posted March 22, from Anonymous
Dear Friends,
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom, four were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this letter brings luck. One woman's cat died, and the next day she received a hunk.
An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back again!! Let's keep it going, ladies, just add your name to the list below.
1. Hillary Clinton Chappaqua, NY
Posted November 16, from Don Hoyt
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrong you have been. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary . Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as US English . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen , but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football . There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for sh*t.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Tell us who killed JFK.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Posted November 16, from Mike McCumber
A big-city, Washington DC lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with the West Virginia Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the West Virginia Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney that nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Posted October 23, from a friend
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f _ _ _ ing cat."
Note from the VHTRC censors: This is a great joke and what makes it really good is the explitive the cute little girl uses at the end. Picture a sweet little girl with golden locks in a gauzy film with soft music in the background. She smiles at the man and then uses the f-word to refer to the cat that she just sent to a gruesome death. That's funny. But it uses the f-word. Before posting this joke, I sought advice from other club members. One said, "great joke, take out the word, 'f___ing.'" Another said, "Great joke, use as is." The third said, "What problem?" So I took a middle ground that probably pleases no one. Sorry. That's the problem with having a real club and having some social responsibility. To the one person who would have been offended if I had spelled out "f _ _ _ ing" all I can say is "Why are you here in the first place?"
Posted October 23, from an unsolicited e-mail
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
Posted October 23, from a friend
Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor", the popular TV show.......................
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock ... driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns".
The first to complete the round-trip is the winner.
Posted October 18, from Brenda Davidson
Doug had felt guilty all day long, no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Doug, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
"And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Doug , You're a vet . . . "
Posted September 27, from Andy Carlmark
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 79 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Posted September 27, from Robert Daseler
From "Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay": (despite the title, all these analogies were not drawn from the same high school essay):
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy com es on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"John and Mary never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
Posted September 27, from Carole Sparrow
Posted August 17, from Robert Daseler
Men's English
I'm hungry=I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy=I'm sleepy.
I'm tired=I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress!=Good cleavage!
What's wrong?=What stupid, self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong?=I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored.=Do you want to have sex?
I love you.=Let's have sex now.
I love you, too.=Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Women's English
Maybe=No.
I'm sorry.=You'll be sorry.
It's your decision.=The correct choice should be clear by now.
Do whatever you like.=You're going to pay for it later.
We need to talk.=I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead.=I don't want you to.
I'm not upset.=Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly.=You need to shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights.=I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient.=I want a new house.
I want new curtains.=and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise.=I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?=I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?=I did something today you are going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute.=Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn how to communicate.=Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me?=Too late, you're dead.
Posted August 17, from Anon.
A couple was golfing one day on a very very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock outa window. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much it's going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me, and I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself," the genie said.
"OK," the husband said. "I want a million dollars year for the rest of my life."
"No problem. It's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, 'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"
"35" she said.
"No Shit! And he still believes in genies??"
Posted August 17, from Charles Jefferson
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Posted August 17, from Charles Jefferson
Morris the mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish 'dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered, "Try doing it with the engine running."
Posted August 17, from Charles Jefferson
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled bandit shot him.
Posted July 4, from Brenda Davidson
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . . . .
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
Posted July 4, from Brenda Davidson
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Posted July 4, from Brenda Davidson
1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
24. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Posted July 4, from Brenda Davidson
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
* Men only have two feet to track in mud.
* Men don't have to play with every man they
see when you take them around the block.
* Men open their own cans.
* Dogs have dog breath ALL the time
* Men can do math stuff.
* Holiday Inns accept men.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum
cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Neither do dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from
dogs is fleas.
(OK, the
* really
* worst disease you can get from them
is rabies, there's a vaccine for it, and you
get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
* Dogs do not have problems expressing
affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good
enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something
wrong.
* Dogs do not play games with you - except
fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to
rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your
intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their
own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends
cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* You can house train a dog.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to
abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short
hair.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their
stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than
they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
Posted April 8, from Ed Story
[It is ok to make jokes about Irishmen. They root for Notre Dame!]
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: each time he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know--the two beers instead of three and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Posted April 8
[Micro$oft is the Western $tates of Computing.]
Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see", answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...".
Posted April 8
This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash.
It's Bill Clinton's and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river.
You have the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President...
What shutter speed would you use?
Posted April 8
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks,"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student and sweetly says: "That excuse would not be acceptable. You can still write with your other hand."
Posted April 8
Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them. Well, for those of you that have tried to figure out what those descriptions really mean, this one is for you!
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish----------48
50----------59
Adventurer----------Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic----------Flat-chested
Average looking----------Ugly
Beautiful----------Pathological liar
Contagious Smile----------Bring your penicillin
Educated----------College dropout
Emotionally Secure----------Medicated
Feminist----------Fat; ball buster
Free spirit----------Substance user
Friendship first----------Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun----------Annoying
Gentle----------Comatose
Good Listener----------Borderline Autistic
New-Age----------All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned----------Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded----------Desperate
Outgoing----------Loud
Passionate----------Loud
Poet----------Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional----------Real Witch
Redhead----------Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque----------Grossly Fat
Romantic----------Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous----------Very Fat
Weight proportional to height----------Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate----------One step away from stalking
Widow----------Nagged first husband to death
Single----------Husband is in the Ramparts Division of LAPD
Young at heart----------Toothless crone
ADS FROM MEN
40-ish----------52 and looking for 25-year-old
50-ish-----------38 and looking for a 59 year old
Athletic----------Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking----------Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated----------Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit----------Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first----------As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun----------Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking----------Arrogant
Honest----------Pathological Liar
Huggable----------Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle----------Insecure, overly dependent
Mature----------Until you get to know him
Open-minded----------Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit----------Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring himself
Poet----------Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual----------Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable----------Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Single----------May soon ask his wife for a divorce
Thoughtful----------Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Posted April 8
Let's start by making fun of people with no teeth who dropped out of the 5th grade. You gotta feel sorry for people like this. They are the only people left on the earth whom you can make fun of and get away with it. I, for one, think that a trailer is a very efficient structure to live in. I appologize in advance for this. But when you go on TV, you ask for it.
Jerry Springer Show Application
© by Who Knows?, 2000
