VHTRC Privacy Statement

(Websites should have a privacy statement. Here is ours!)

The Virginia Happy Trails Running Club values your privacy. That's why we are trying to get some money for it.

When you surf the VHTRC website, little electronic robots, designed by Bill Gates and the vast right-wing conspiracy, search your hard drive, your dresser drawer, and that waste basket in your bedroom for information about you. This information is sent to the vast VHTRC computer located in California where we all know there are a lot of untrustworthy people, not to mention OJ Simpson. The data is assembled and then broadcast to anyone who will pay for it.

The VHTRC is very careful about the kind of data we collect. Data is limited to the following:

Your Name.
Your Address.
Your Sexual Orientation.
Whether you buy running shoes by mail order or whether you buy them at Scotty's store as you are supposed to.
Whether you would have incorrectly used the word "like" instead of "as" in the bullet above.
Your tax returns for the last three years and the REAL records you used to prepare them.
If you work for tips, that $100 that some customer gave you to impress the babe he was hitting on, but whom you took home after he passed out from the drink you served him.
If you watch PBS or listen to NPR, the amount of your donations.
Whether you have pulled off any of those tags from mattresses.
Your ignorance of grammar and spelling and whether you talk funny.
Number of your children who have put holes in their body parts (ears, navels, tongues, etc.). Sons in law count!
Number of times you have "lusted in your heart."
Minutes you have spent on the Internet at work.
Whether you obey the "No Turn on Red" sign near the Vienna Metro.
Embarrassing diseases you have.
Whether you are an ignorant idiot who would say, "Each student should bring their book to class."
Whether you comply with the VHTRC policy on adultery.¹

The VHTRC has a sacred duty to protect this information. We will disclose it to no one, unless he, she, or it pays big bucks. So far, we have deals in the works with a national tabloid and the IRS.

Of course, you have a right to prevent us from using your information. All you have to do is pay more than the tabloid and the IRS. (You might have a problem out-bidding the IRS.)

So that is our privacy policy. If you have any questions about it, please feel free to contact any club officer. Ok, the club has no officers, but I am sure someone would be happy to listen your whiny, smart-ass complaint.

Questions and Answers:

Q. Why do you have "Questions and Answers"?

A. Everyone has Qs and As. You can't just say something, you have to do "Qs and As."

Q. I don't like your privacy policy, what can I do about it?

A. Go join the other trail running club in Northern Virginia.

Q. There is no other trail running club in Northern Virginia.

A. No stupid, you do the "Q's." You have to ask a question!

Q. Sorry! (Opps.) Sorry?

A. That's better.

Q. Do you use cookies on this website?

A. Yes, we use cookies. What's it to you?

Q. I ask the questions!?

A. Sorry!

Q. Who shouldn't visit the VHTRC website?

A. If you live in a cabin in Idaho, you should not visit the VHTRC website. But if you are paranoid and live in Idaho (pardon the redundancy), you shouldn't be on the Internet at all and should have found a way to get off the world before the 21st century started.

Q. The 21st Century hasn't started yet!

A. Hmmmm!

Q. The 21st Century hasn't started yet, has it?

A. Yes, it hasn't started. You have time to join the people who beamed up to the space ship behind the Hale Bop Comet. Just make sure there is room in the space ship before you pull the plug here.

Q. Ok, wise ass, what really is your privacy policy?

A. We don't have a "policy" but here is the situation as of August 2000. The only personal information that moves from your computer to the server that houses the VHTRC website goes in the "open." That is, you fill in a form and the information you put in the form (to join the club or say you are coming to a run) comes to us. None of the information that the cookies keep track of goes to the server without going through a form you can see.

Q. Will this policy change?

A. Ya, it might. We will try to let you know if it does.

Q. Is this page all a big joke?

A. Yes, all but the last three questions.

Q. Will there be drug testing?

A. Joe!!!!!!!!!

¹ Ok, there is no VHTRC policy on adultery. There almost was one, however. When most generals in the Pentagon were getting caught with their subordinates' wives, and the Defense Department decided it needed a policy on adultery, the VHTRC tried to formulate one. Our debate of the issue took place, of course, on a run (the Browntown loop to be exact). The discussion was going fine until two unmarried club members, who each have very close, long-term relationships with women, made the ridiculous claim that the policy on adultery would not apply to them because they, technically, weren't married. The married members were outraged at this loophole that was going to cramp their style while the two unmarried guys had all the "fun." At this point, the discussion further deteriorated when we tried to define adultery. One member, clearly trying to suck up to his wife, claimed that kissing was adultery. This outraged the faction that argued that kissing was just getting started and that there are a lot of things between there and adultery that ought to be allowed under a modern, humane adultery policy. To make matters worse, someone brought up the Jimmy Carter/Bible theory that "lusting in your heart" was as bad as actually doing it. If that was so, you might as well go ahead and do it if you had already committed a felony anyway cuz EVERYONE thinks about it. At this point, like the Pentagon, we gave up and left the issue of adultery to the conscience and morality of individual club members. It's safe there! ...back to footnote in text