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Team VHTRC in Torino

Report from Torino

by Our Correspondent at the Olympics

Final Report

Final Medal Count
Anglo North America*49
Golds for Snow Board Show Boaters, U.S. Women's Ice Hockey Team, U.S Men's Ice Hockey Team, Canadian Men's Ice Hockey Team, Bodie Miller, and Michele Kwan0
* "They all look alike to me!" The United States had 25 medals and Canada had 24, but they get equal air time on NBC, and that's what counts.

The pageantry and spectacle of the Olympics are over. For seventeen days, the youth of the world united in sport and good will for a common goal -- to sell Nike shoes, Chevy trucks, and Coke and to improve NBC's ratings during the sweeps.

The most inspirational moment of the games? Well the second most inspirational moment was Joey Cheek's donation to charity of the $40,000 he won for winning a gold medal in speed skating. This was a wonderful thing, but why did he get $40,000 in the first place? So much for amateurism. The Olympics are going to find out that real professional sports leagues can do professional sports better than the Olympics can.

Clearly the emotional high point of the games was in the stirring closing ceremonies when the nations of the world marched into the arena -- to the sound of the Village People singing "YMCA." It just doesn't get any better than that.

Torino was certainly a wonderful experience for Team VHTRC. Despite the disqualifications, the failed drug tests, the scandals with the Swedish curling team, and the late arrival of biathalete Dick Cheney, Team VHTRC sowed the seeds for future greatness. Next time, maybe VHTRC can improve to zero medals from minus one.

Before we end our coverage, we need to apologize for the misconduct of our correspondent in Torino. We have not found him, but we have is Master Charge bill, and it's not pretty. We are going to have to raise advertising rates on VHTRC.org just to pay for it. The only real achievement by our correspondent was to obtain an agreement for an exclusive interview with Bodie Miller after each gold medal he won.

After the games, our correspondent flew to California for C4P but his reports from there suck. For some reason, he spent all his time with runner otherwise known as "the angel." He sent photos, but we can't print them and now he is gone again. We will know where he is when the Master Chard bills come in again.

So we close the curtain on the games of the XXX Winter Olympics. Join VHTRC.org when the youth of the world and the National Basketball Association meet in Tiananmen Square in 2008 for the summer games.

Final Editorial Note: Anyone who reads this page after the fact will note the terribly trite Dick Cheney-gun accident joke. It should be noted, however, that the joke appeared well before the four billion other Dick Cheney jokes. Concededly, a trained gorilla could make a joke out of that. But we were among the first!


More days go by without a report from our man in Torino or Turin, or wherever. We are searching for him and will publish something when we find him again. Meanwhile, the world's attention moves to California where the Coyote Fourplay will occur. We may continue our foreign reporting by filing updates from Republic of California.


So what happened to Tuesday's report from our VHTRC.org correspondent? Well, several things.

First, our correspondent disappeared. We finally found him when Visa called us to approve a 2,000 Euro charge on the VHTRC credit card at a spa in Germany. Of course, we didn't approve it and ordered the correspondent's butt back to work.

That was the second problem. Our correspondent has been filing reports from "Torino," but the Washington Post is reporting on Olympic events in "Turin." Since the Post has a little more status in the world of journalism than VHTRC.org, we ordered our correspondent to go to "Turin" where the big boys are. So far, he has not been able to find Turin. If he ever does, we will pass on whatever he reports.

Meanwhile, we have information from reports beamed exclusively from NBC Sports to the VHTRC.org television set.

As we noted earlier, Canadians seem to serve as "back-up-Americans" for NBC in events where the American entrants suck. Further evidence of the phenomenon comes from the NBC Olympics web site:

"Olympic organizers were left embarrassed on Saturday when the Canadian winner of the women's freestyle skiing moguls, Jennifer Heil, was described as representing the U.S. by the course announcer." --Full Story on NBCOlympics.com

We previously made the fashion comment that the USA snow boarding uniforms "suck." Here is what we mean. The half pipe is, or should be, one of those events where the competitor does dramatic, artistic, even beautiful things with his body. This is an event like gymnastics, figure skating, and diving. So why do you hide your body in all those baggy clothes? It is not impressive that you can do flips in the air. What is impressive is doing flips with grace and style. Could it be that there is no grace or style to show and the baggy pants are just a cover up?

In the demonstration sport of NHL, the US team tied Latvia, Lithuania, or Estonia. (We are not really sure which country. We only know that the United States did not recognize its incorporation into the Soviet Union.) NHL has been a demonstration sport since the Olympics gave up ice hockey several years ago. The point of the NHL at the Olympics is lost on us.

Team VHTRC's best chance for a medal was dashed when new team addition Dick Cheney missed the targets in the biathlon. As NBCOlympics.com said, "American off-target in quest for biathlon medal." We are not making that up (as Dave Barry would say. Check it out)


This was a black day for Team VHTRC. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding over certain team funding issues, the International Olympic Committee stripped Team VHTRC of all of its medals. Unfortunately, VHTRC has won no medals. But the IOC, led by the Soviet bloc, ruled that it didn't matter, VHTRC had to give up a medal any way. So, in a first in Olympic history, there is a team with a negative medal count.

VHTRC.org continued its unprecedented coverage of the pageantry of the XXX Winter Games. For example, we presented an exclusive interview with the guy who yells at American downhill ski racers in the start gate. He was a prior corner man for Ali and, more recently, an assistant coach for the Notre Dame football team. We got his answer to the big question that everyone is asking, "Yes, I am as obnoxious and stupid as I sound. I yell at these guys even though it clearly annoys them and everyone around me and doesn't make them ski fast. What do you expect, that's what we do in South Bend." And his answer to the other question everyone is asking, "No I won't stop acting like an idiot. You better just hit the mute button."

In another exclusive interview, VHTRC.org talked to the designer of the USA uniforms for the snow boarding competition. The designer shared the secrets of his great success in making the uniforms totally suck.

Also in the snow boarding competition, we reported on the big part flag etiquette plays for the American team. As one competitor said, "It's cool to use the flag as a face warmer, at least it seems way to me and no one has told me differently cuz I am 17 years old and adults don't tell me what to do."

And finally, VHTRC.org will have a charity auction for the skates that Michele Kwan wore in the ladies figuring skating finals. They come with a certificate of authenticity.

Next up tomorrow, women's volleyball.


It was a wonderful day in Torino for Team VHTRC. But first, a correction.

Despite our rigorous journalist integrity and legions of fact checkers, we now find out that Team VHTRC did not win five medals on the first day of competition. In fact, the Furbutts didn't win any medals. The VHTRC Web site regrets the error, but we honestly thought we had received the correct information from our correspondent on the scene in Italy.

The highlight today was the departure of NBC's last great hope to get any ratings, Michele Kwan. With her gone, we might actually get to see some other athletes on TV. Also, have you noticed that when there are no Americans in contention, NBC focuses on a Canadian? The Canadians are sort of back-up-Americans.

Team VHTRC hopes in the biathlon were improved when last minute recruit Dick Cheney joined the team. He is expected to do well in the shooting phase of the competition.

Two more Team VHTRC athletes were kicked out of the Olympic Village today. Their parents are on their way to Italy to pick them up.

Tomorrow, Team VHTRC goes for the gold in the pairs figure skating. Be sure to follow all the action on vhtrc.org.


Team VHTRC proudly represented Furbutt in the opening Olympic ceremonies on Friday night. The team marched in early in the parade of nations since "VHTRC" in Italian starts with a "B." ("Virginia" translates to "Bastard Daughter of Henry VIII and That Protestant Slut Anne Boleyn" in Italian.) The team enjoyed all of the cultural aspects of the opening ceremonies including the hot women bringing in the Olympic flag. Sophie Loren, in the 70 and over age group, was determined to be the hottest.

VHTRC team members were split in the guessing contest on who would light the Olympic flame. Some thought it would be Joe DiMaggio but others were betting on Frank Sinatra. In the end, both were wrong as Rocky Balboa did the honors.

At the opening ceremonies, Team VHTRC was recovering from the disqualification of three members who failed their drug tests miserably. Unfortunately, the tests were held after a post race training session. VHTRC attorneys were protesting that the World Anti-Doping Agency had not announced that Knob Creek was on the banned substance list.

As the first day of competition ended, Team VHTRC had won five medals -- gold and bronze in the biathlon and the three top medals in the nordic combined. [See correction above.]

Tomorrow's highlight is the arrival of the VHTRC ice hockey team as the players leave their NHL teams to go for the gold.

Team VHTRC was proud to take part in the Olympics, which bring the youth of the world together in peace and goodwill. Thanks to the Olympics, war and poverty will never again occur.

Remember to follow all the Olympic Furbutt action on VHTRC.org.

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